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November 19, 2016 Leave a comment

I’m sitting in my small one bedroom apartment looking out my dining room window. It’s a pretty view. Mature trees with turning leaves are scattered over a courtyard of green grass. There’s a sidewalk pathway curving through the middle. Right outside my window is a pergola that covers a couple of picnic tables, a gas grill and a charcoal grill. The winding path has a large fenced in pool on the far side. It really is pretty.

I left behind my life in a big house with a beautiful backyard because I felt like it wasn’t mine. I needed to find what my life is or will be. My life there felt empty. I felt despair when I tried to look down the road of my life. I didn’t know how to change anything. Not and be married still. I didn’t feel like I had choices. I knew something had to change or I wasn’t going to be anymore.

My job feels like I’m on a meaningless rat’s wheel. That certainly needs to change. I’m on my own now though, paying my own bills. I’m scared to quit this job because it makes great money. I wonder if my husband had told me to just quit this job, to take my time and find something that gives me purpose, I really wonder if I would be sitting here now.

I’m  going to a church that’s different from the one I grew up in. I made that change a couple of years ago. It  brought strife into my marriage. It was rebellion against being told what to do. I was trying to find a way get by, to get through life, to have a measure of control. I felt like I had nothing that was mine and this one thing was going to be mine.

My whole life up until this point was lived for others: my husband, my children, family, society, church. I was a good person. Now, I’ve left my husband, our divorce is final, and I’m still not happy. I still  feel the pull of pleasing other people, only now it’s in different ways. I have to break free. This has got to change.

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